Warning: I use choice words in this blog post, but I do edit them a little, but it’s pretty clear what I’m using if your kids read this. Also if talking about suicide is a trigger for you, do not read on. Somedays I’m not up for talking about the hard stuff, so I understand; spare yourself if you are not up for it today.

Only about 10 months ago, I went through the Soldier for Life program (for you civilians that is a congressionally-mandated program to help veterans write resumes, find jobs, and learn about all their post-service benefits). I also did other veteran transition programs and groups like Vets2PMs (training to become a professional project manager) and Still Serving Veterans (they will put you in front of hiring managers and help with resumes and job search etc), which I found all helpful and would recommend to anyone. Now I find myself starting work with a company in which I know nothing about and in a totally different career field. I wanted this though. It’s a complete change from government defense to corporate America, but unfortunately and as I feared, I still have “scars” from my military service. Everyone said I would; I blew them off. I now do not think it is a self-fulfilling prophecy either; it’s real. No matter how positive I was about transitioning, it’s no cakewalk. My adaptation issues to civilian life are from being unduly shamed, developing deeply ingrained bad habits like impatience, indifference, narrow mindedness, toxic qualities, passive-aggressive behaviors, and fears that I experienced during my time with the military; I was not perfect when I entered the military, by any means, but the military definitely made something bad worse. These ugly qualities scared me then and they scared me now; I do not want to be that person.  I know I am not alone either. It doesn’t make me a bad person, it just is, but it does make me feel lousy about myself sometimes. I’m a victim of myself! Ha! I hope together, we veterans can all find a way out of this hole we find ourselves in and adapt to life on the other side.

I know I have been incredible blessed to have had months of time off from Active Duty with the US Army before starting work again. Apart from starting this blog, a few paint jobs for relatives, helping my husband find himself a job and enrolling in school, I have really been footloose and fancy free. I needed it. Like . . . I really needed it. If you have been on Active Duty for a long time and you find yourself in one too many toxic environments, you’re not going to just transition into a new job seamlessly, and that is what I wanted to discuss with you today. Is there such a thing as work PTSD?

When I started work this week, I found myself with sweaty palms and a pounding heart as I was about to send my first email that I had created to a potential customer. Did I format it right? Did I spell his or her name right? Does my picture look stupid? Did I put down too much or too little information? Am I sending it at the right time? Do I need to get specific approval on this template before I hit send? Or do I show independence and risk having to ask for forgiveness later? What if my boss’s boss sees it and hates it? What if my boss screams at me for sending it?

I tell myself, “It’s just an email for goodness sake; it’s not a life-altering decision!” But it FELT like it.

Needless to say, I was way overthinking it. Regularly overthinking; classic sign of high-stress or trauma. I kept having flashbacks of times when I was in the military where I had peers start an internal coup against me for an email I had sent they disagreed with and didn’t tell me; instead they started a passive-aggressive war with me. Flashbacks; classic signs of stress and trauma. I have had commanders tear me a new a**hole for not sending them an email within two hours of an incident and putting all the right people on the cc line. I have sat in meetings where field grade officers have argued openly in front of subordinates about the “correct” color to name a phase of an operation and then send conflicting emails to me to sort out who to obey later; if I chose wrong, it now became my fault and I would get another a** chewing (Tangent: So if you think that getting an a** chewing is no biggy, then you’re wrong; over time people build what is called resentment and it can get really bad, like I’m going to throw a grenade in your tent and kill you bad. It’s not about putting on your  big girl or guy panties and taking the chewing especially, if you do not deserve it; this is abusive leadership but is so common in the military that it is like the number of Rip-It’s my Soldiers drank downrange (Inside joke for my soldier friends). Trust me when I tell you, soldiers really resent you for years when you do this sh**.) As all these thought swarmed in my head, I had to get up to go outside. It has literally been a year already! What the heck is wrong with me?

I did not realize what a negative and toxic environment had done to my psychological and emotional wellbeing. I’ve read a lot,  and I received counseling because I take ever opportunity to help myself, but there are just days I have like this one. And you know what, I’m cool with that, but I want others to know that this does not make them crazy; it is just the lasting effects of compound stress and you should take it seriously too. Compound stress kills. Law enforcement and first responders, you better listen up; you are next on the list to combat soldiers to die from stress right after retirement according to statistics (I can get you those specifics if you ask). Now I said “combat” soldiers but yet I’m talking about stuff that happened to me in an office. So I guess I’m mentally weak, huh? Heck no; I’m human. Soldiers are human though they may think they are not. We have breaks in reality where we think we are super human, and trust me, I have had moments I thought I could fly metaphorically (PS if you have a soldier literally believe this, that is called a psychological break and they need immediate professional help!), but I’m sure the ground found us fairly soon after and now we are broken in a different way than just aching joints and a bruised ego. Worse, we can become the abuser. Chills…

When I say I am not alone, I’m not alone as a female veteran or a MALE veteran. I see right through my male peers when they try to tell me they are doing fine. Not that I believe everyone is deeply scarred but we all have feelings. Men are the worst when it comes to not talking about their feelings. This is because of our silly culture.  I always consider it a true honor to talk with them, because they are risking a lot if I were to expose them. I would never expose them, unless it got to the point of their safety or another’s. I have lost friends over reporting about them, and they did not believe it was bad as it was, but again, never risk someone’s life because you fear you will receive a little hating; if you don’t, you could possibly lose that friend for real. It happens to so many. Look at the news this week, a US Navy Admiral Dies in His Residence in Bahrain. The investigation is ongoing but it looks like what it looks like. I was at a funeral just last year from an installation CSM (very high ranking non-commissioned officer) who committed suicide. I sat there in disbelief as I watched his grandson sob inconsolably. I had a friend commit suicide when I was a young officer just starting active duty; it hit hard and it hit close. Stress is real and it kills. I just read that female veteran suicides have increased by 48%! What is this crap?! Hug a vet today and everyday! And not just a vet, anyone who is not acting like they normally do; lend an ear; be there.

What is it that makes us lie about how we are doing? Please just lay it on me thick; life just sucks some days, you do not have to sugar coat it with me. Like the cheesy Army moto, we are shoulder-to-shoulder. Staying connected, my friends, it is the only solution I have found thus far in my transitional journey.  I allow myself to feel deeply and be who I am: the good, the bad and the ugly. I have a deep faith in Jesus Christ as my Savior, so of course, this is my number one source of comfort; but I believe in the use of therapy too and I do not feel it contradicts my faith.  My faith sustains me without my psychological and emotional understanding; for the rest I use good old practical science to get by. Please reach out to me if any of this makes sense to you; I would love to hear your story! My email is Lesley@rvingwithlesley.com and you can find me on Facebook and Instagram @rvingwithlesley. (PS: Second best therapy is dogs and RVing!)