I have had many trials and tribulations in my life, but none have been as painful as what I have experienced as a stepmom. Yep you heard that right, it’s down right painful being a stepmom at times. I have literally been shot at in combat, but nothing has compared to the unforeseeable landmines of being a stepmother.
I remember one of my old bosses coming to my defense a few years back after I made a rookie mistake at work and he stating, “You don’t know, what you don’t know you don’t know.” This statement is the best way to describe my experience as a stepmom. I had no idea, and still have no idea, what I’m doing. There are countless parenting groups for young biological parents and everyone supports them and they are accepted in society. The traditional one-common-set-of-parent-families are way more natural than multiple sets. Counselors and psychologists and even stepparents themselves are just now getting around to writing about blended family dynamics. It gets complicated quick. So here are five things I think, after 6 years as a stepmom, make us pretty tough:
- You have to embrace that you are not “first.”
You are not your husband’s or your stepkid’s first mother figure or example of marriage. You are not your stepkid’s first priority nor are you their first love, and you are not even given the same legal rights as “first families!” And if you want to start your own family with your husband, the “first family” is not going away. But fortunately, you are not the first person to experience this and if you can learn to be comfortable with being “second,” putting your own feelings aside, the increased love in your life can be so fulfilling!
- You will be resented (at least at first) by a lot of different people.
Stepmoms will always initially be viewed as enemy combatants, home-wreckers, evil witches, and some may be just that, but if you are just someone who falls in love with a man who has kids, you get thrown in with all the rest. You will even resent that you are resented for just showing up and loving someone. You have to have incredible mental fortitude to know that you have a right to be there, you have a right to love, and you have a right to make decisions, which best suit your new family.
- There will be extra drama.
Generally speaking, the ex-wives will cause drama and you have to understand that this is not an “undramatic” event for them so they act accordingly. They are faced with another woman competing for the attention and love of their kids. Though you may state, and really mean, you are not there to replace them, it is difficult for them to even want to share. Your step kids have no natural alliance to you and thus naturally will see you as a threat to their family unit and may even perpetual the drama. Even other women you may confide in, who do not have to deal with another woman around affecting daily life, will think you are being dramatic! Though you are trying to avoid drama, you will get blamed for it just because you are there! Again you have to put your feelings aside and know that they don’t know what you are experiencing and may never understand.
- It’s not over after 18 years and the kids grow up.
I have heard some people get very torn up about child support, custody and visitation and so have I. It is often not fair for you, your spouse or your step kids. Just remember there will always be holidays, birthdays, and weddings to attend with your step kids and their biological parents. While you may not be paying the ex-spouse anymore and any threat of court battles is over, there may still be tension there. There can’t be two mothers of the bride or groom, you know what I mean? The awkwardness is for a lifetime for you and your step kids. It may grow smaller and smaller in your mind and in your relationships and everyone adjust to it the best they can, but it is always there. You have to set your boundaries for a lifetime and check yourself when potentially decade old feelings rear their ugly head.
- You will never get full credit as a mother.
You will feel true pain for you step kids, you will fight with them to do the right thing, you will pay many of their expenses and you will love them, but society, and sometimes your own family, may not give you full credit. But can you blame them? There are two sets of parents raising your step kids, so what is full credit anyway? But regardless, it still seems like a lose to you when you are giving it your all. Maybe only you, God, and other stepmoms will know how it feels to be you, and you will have times where you feel utterly alone, but stepmoms know they will never get full credit for their sacrifices and they are cool with that.
So if you are a stepmom or about to become one, remember this is not a partial commitment if you want to do it right. These job with stretch you to your emotional and psychological limits. You will affect the lives of your spouse’s children and their biological parent whether you want to or not. If you are up for the challenge you will gain an instant family that will make life so very fulfilling!
~Lesley
Featured Photo: This is a picture of when Joey proposed and when I accepted the challenging of stepmomming three kids.
