In our family, sports are life! It is almost never off season for us, and my husband coaches from time to time, so you will almost always find us watching a sports game! (And we have been the University of Alabama football fans our whole life!) At this point, I have watched close to a 1,000 various sporting events of my stepchildren playing volleyball, softball, basketball, baseball, football, and track and field. And I have even watched my older stepdaughter play in college and coach her high school team this last year. And just this year, I have picked up my step GRANDCHILD from baseball practice – all of this before the ripe old age of 33. I have to mentally and emotionally prepare myself every time because this seemingly routine event can quickly take a turn for the worst, and tensions can run high. Plus I also know these events are extremely important for my stepson’s mother as she is a teacher and coach at my stepchildren’s school; she has a reputation to uphold and this is quite literally her turf.

Additionally, I do not live in the town where my stepchildren go to school, so I only know a few people, and they are still only distant acquaintances, as I never needed to fully integrate myself into the community. It is a small town so everyone already knew who I was before he or she even met me (which has been good and bad).  For those of you that have to fully integrate, it probably is more complicated for you or maybe it’s better. Like I said, it’s complicated. There really is no one right answer to your unique problem set, but I think the golden rule still applies to everyone at all times (You shall love your neighbor as yourself).  You can respect (love) your stepchildren’s mother (neighbor) and support your stepchildren and respect (yourself), all while not engaging in a turf war overtly or covertly. Ultimately, you are there to support the kids, and it is not about you and how you may feel; it’s about the kids.

I think we all can agree tensions usually run high at these events as your husband’s ex is going to be there, and you may be forced to speak to one another all while the kids are watching. The kids will sense the tension, and sometimes there is nothing you can do about it as long as you do not create problems by using sly remarks, be passive-aggressive in your tone, or even be overly bubbly while others watch you interact with your husband’s ex-wife. You can be neutral, direct, and honest, all without being fake.  If you have a good relationship base with the kid’s mom already, then these are not problems for you, and I envy you. Being civil and not discussing any court cases, recent disagreements, or really anything is probably best if you do have a high-conflict relationship. This is not the venue for mediation over legal or parental matters – a power struggle can ensue in public, shaming your stepchildren in front of everyone important to them.

Simple things such as where you are going to sit, how you are going to cheer, if you should take pictures, if you should paint your face, hold up a sign for the team, wear your stepchildren’s jersey number, who the kids are riding home with and who is going to pay for the kids’ concession stand expenses can be a little tricky. I gauge all my choices and actions by closely watching the kids’ and their mother’s behavior. Each game can be different. Yes, you heard that right; even after seven years, there is no standard procedure for this in my situation. I typically do not go all out holding up signs and screaming at the top of my lungs because it is not my personality, but I do sneak in some high fives with my stepchildren and yell from the fence if they get near to me with something such as “Way to go, son!” I do not do super extravagant fan-fair getups because I feel it attracts too much attention to me and takes away from the kids.  I’m pretty sure my stepson would say I look stupid and embarrass him if I did. I wear the team colors from time to time though.

I usually quickly take some pictures of the kids, but if I see their mother coming in behind me, I finish and move away out of respect.  I never try to take up a wide berth or make a big presence out of respect for their mother. In other words, I keep a low profile. Originally, the kids’ mom asked me not to post pictures when I was dating my now husband, and that was understandable at the time. but now my stepkid’s approve of me posting pictures to social media; in fact, my stepkids have actually searched my account, and if I do not have pictures of them in there often, they comment that I must not care about them. So I post and respectfully disregard the wishes of their mother in favor of what the kids want in this case. I do not, however, rule in favor of the kid’s choices on everything, for instance, allowing them to buy too many cokes and too much candy at the games. If they ever ask for money, I never hesitate to give them money within reason, and I never hatefully tell them to go get it from their mother.

For us, sitting too close to my husband’s ex has never seemed to work for him or anyone on either side of the family, though it has never really been discussed. My husband mingles in the crowd near by his ex-wife, and my husband’s family and his ex-wife’s family are very civil when they pass each other, but we do not sit together. Unfortunately, I have seen that this put a strain on my stepchildren, especially in the beginning. I have even sat with my stepdaughter (who married a man with two kids) and experienced how tense everything was for my stepgranddaughter. She was very young at the time, and the situation clearly had her torn with where to sit, and she was hesitant to say hi to my stepdaughter even though we were within feet of her.  It hurts my heart up for her, but this is one of those things that can start a turf war if you engage with the mom; I personally just let this one go and let the kids figure out what makes them comfortable.  I wish it were different and that none of the kids had to experience this, but after awhile, hopefully, the dust settles, and the ex-wives will let the kids sit with the step parents or at least move around freely with no guilt or feelings of being disloyal to either side. I never put pressure on my stepchildren to sit with us or make them feel bad if they did or didn’t. I always happily state “Do what you got to do, kids; you are not hurting my feelings,” even when it did. Now, I don’t even bat an eye about this; I know I am loved by my stepchildren regardless of who they sit with, and I know they love their mother too.  Plenty of love to go around!

Another point of contention and conflict is after-game situations. Since we have never followed a strict custody agreement on visitation hours nor communicated directly about schedules with their mom, we simply have the kids decide who they want to ride home with after each game and have them ask their mom if it’s okay. I regret that there have been times where a power struggle ensued on this matter, and the kids were quiet literally standing directly in the middle, but conflict is going to happen even when you have the best intentions. As long as no one’s safety is at risk nor laws are being broken, then you may need to put your foot down. If you sense the kids can’t go home with you and there seems to be no good reason for it, then I recommend that you quietly but politely and peacefully leave with the children. On the other hand, if you feel that the situation is going to explode, simply walk off without the kids.

I always strive to be a peacemaker, but I’m careful not to make myself a doormat either. It is implied that my husband is involved with the decision as well, but stepmoms have authority too (I am currently writing a blog on “Understanding Your Role as a Stepmom” which discusses authority). Sometimes my husband gets too emotional to make a good decision, and I’m the voice of reason when there is conflict. My rule here is to always consider how this impacts your stepchildren and how you can minimize their pain and suffering. Your pride should not be your default mechanism, as tempting as it may be to give in to that. Sometimes the kids can be disrespectful to their mother, and if you have a good relationship with your stepkids, you need to let them know right then and there, you are not going to tolerate them showing her disrespect. You let them know they cannot “play the field,” meaning when they get mad at their mom, they run to you and use you like a weapon against her. If I sense this is occurring, I send them right back to their mom and tell them not to manipulate her and/or the situation, and they will not be riding home with me from the game under those conditions. (More on “How I Discipline My Stepkids” coming soon!)

Look, sport events are a huge pain for so many stepmoms! There are so many potential eggshells to walk around. But you are not alone here! I am on the sidelines cheering for you as many other stepmoms are too! Take the high road every time!

~Lesley