Being labeled a veteran is a choice you have to make; it is not automatic, and I believe the decision is very different for female versus male veterans. I have even read that a majority of female vets do not want to self-identify as a veteran, generally due to negativity like they are not “real” veterans because they did not serve in combat even if they did. Women were legally banned from direct ground combat until 2015, but they have technically been in combat since the beginning of this country, and simply limited by law and culture.  But what makes this experience different for female vets? Is it all in our heads or is it real, tangible differences or is it more intangible?

Today, I am currently only seven months removed from Active Duty (AD) with a combat deployment under my belt, and it’s been an interesting but surprisingly pleasant experience thus far. It was difficult for me to even write this article as I was not sure if I even wanted to self-identify as a veteran, much less a “female” veteran; ultimately, I hope as a country we strive to be just veterans. I’m not ashamed of my service, by no means, but it was only one chapter in my life, and however successful it was or was not depends on who you ask, I do not like to be constantly reminded of it. I got out of the military so I could pursue other endeavors and also to mentally and emotionally move on. But here I am writing about it and I have decided to acknowledge that I have served and I am a “Veteran” in all the sense of the word.

I find the current political and social environment extremely inviting to veterans, and this is such a monumental accomplishment considering what the Vietnam Veterans suffered following their return home from war. Much to my surprise, I also found my experience with my local Veteran Affairs (VA) and the speed of my disability claim equally commendable. In light of all the recent VA scandals with veterans dying waiting on their appointment times and what dialogue I heard coming from Soldiers during my out-process phase of AD, this was extremely relieving. To be quite honest, I am floored about all the benefits I am receiving; I truly had no idea when I signed up and for the eight years on AD that was I eligible for such great benefits. I am so proud of the programs that this country has created that I feel a little unworthy.

So far, I have only heard of negative experience on the social media groups created for female veterans in which I follow and from some of my female friends. This is partly because these groups are designed to fix problems, so naturally you bring those forward before the positive ones in order to get a solution. Many report that their sexual assaults are not believed, and they feel put off and have to fight for their disability to be compensated. Others are just seeking non-gender specific compensation for a joint injury, or condition etc. and need some advice. I even had one friend tell me, when she went to the VA years ago, the person she was talking with did not believe she had Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) because “women are not allowed in combat” despite the fact my friend had a metal plate in her head and a Purple Heart from being blown up by an IED or bomb . The VA has changed a lot since then, and Military Sexual Trauma (MST) is now a recognized and separate disorder from PTSD, and vets never even have to report it to the authorities to get treatment for it post-service. There are countless programs to assist you with you mental health, and just like I told my Soldiers while in command, why would you not get treatment for your brain if it is hurting, because goodness knows their butts would be at sick call getting treatment if it was a limb or joint injure! I stand by my principle with action. I too still go to therapy for trauma. No big deal and no shame! Since veteran suicides far exceed combat deaths, like almost triple, I will be shouting to get mental health treatments now from the roof-tops!

For once in my life I personally have not yet experienced a negative with the VA and trust me I have experiences my fair share of sexual harassment and assault while in the military. As you can imagine, my recent positive experience has been a welcomed relief, but I am always on the lookout for that next negative one. Shell-sock! Fortunately, I am not homeless which I was led to believe by some in the military. I suppose it was a threat they created as a way to get me to stay on AD, but it is a real reality for many vets, and I have managed to find good health care, my number one concern at the time. Amazingly its FREE for me for the next five years due to my service in Afghanistan. Shocked! It truly amazing how many benefits I get! I do, however, find myself currently dealing with some strife in adjusting to civilian life mentally.

When I go to sports games and the national anthem is playing, I am immediately torn whether to salute, which is the current protocol for veterans, or simply put my hand over my heart. I’m torn because I do not want to draw attention to myself partly because I am introverted and partly because most people at the sports game I attend have never seen a female veteran and I get mixed reactions. Most times I just do not want to deal with any negative reactions or questioning of my capabilities. I just want to blend in and quiet frankly forget about my time in the service and be a “normal” woman. This is all minor stuff, but it has been like a double edge sword for me; I feel like I am failing women for not standing up and being proud of my service and then at the same time I want nothing to do with it. All the stuff I see on the news about how women are treated and their reputations and pasts are smeared all over the place is extremely alarming. I am so heartbroken over the current climate and I’m so tired of the fight. Its part of the reason I got out in the first place.

Honestly, I need to ask more male veterans if they feel this way. From what I have noted, males seem extremely proud of mentioning their time in uniform, but I do recall a few male friends squirm over even the mention of it. They too had had negative experiences. There are the retiree group of vets who love talking about their time in the service who I presume swallowed the “cool-aid” over and over again. It is their entire identify and good for them. Admittedly, I am a little jealous of them, but I was not willing to pay the price to get their nice compensation check so I am at peace with it; I made my choice and I am happy with it.

For now, I have resorted to reading about other female veterans. “Fight Like a Girl: The Truth behind How Female Marines Are Trained” by Kate Germano and “Shoot Like a Girl: One Woman’s Dramatic Fight in Afghanistan and on the Home Front by Mary Jennings Hegar are both fantastic, new releases and I highly recommend them. But even reading about it is very hard for me, because it simply brings it all back up for me, reliving those negative and positive experiences all over; it’s almost like I am reminded of an entirely different person I was. I did buy a little veteran hat however; my stepkids tease me about it, because they think I eat, sleep and dream Army, but it was a big decision to wear it for me and I certainly don’t wear it for an ego boost; I’m metaphorically tiring it on for size. It just says “Veteran;” I didn’t go for all the bling with what war I was in, unit or branch of service that you may have seen walking around of male veteran’s heads, and some women’s for that matter. Simple “Veteran.” I really like the hat so I guess I have decided that is good enough for now.