Of all the things that stepmoms can mess up on, I have come to realize there is one glaringly obvious mistake I made after almost a decade of this emotional journey. The obvious misstep hit me like an epiphany that I had been trying to have for years. It was a deeply buried truth that I had hidden from myself, because at the time, I was not ready to see it. I could have spared myself so much pain if I had just done one thing differently. It’s so simple; I’m slapping myself on the forehead right now as I write this. You know what it is? It is the fine art of saying “NO!”

Many of you stepmom’s out there may be finding it incredibly hard to just say “No,” whether you feel pressure from society, your family, your spouse’s family or just your own set of principles. As cliché as it sounds, “Just Saying No!” pertains to more than just the anti-drug campaigns of our recent American history.

I have to admit, the form of a blended family dynamic is anything but easy. I have buttoned it down, though, to a straight forward set of recommendations of what you should say “no” to as a stepmom.  Here you go-

1. Say NO to paying child support: I bet some of you are squirming in your seat as you read this, because you know you have done it. If you were not court ordered to pay for it, then why would you sign up for that? The explanation for why you would is nothing to be ashamed of because the reason is because you love your spouse, duh! But don’t fall for this trap. You will build resentment; you are human. It is not your responsibility period; let your man be a man! I’m preaching to myself ladies! Divide all finances and be clear where the line is. Don’t do what I did, and that was being stepmom AND dad. 
2. Say NO to events that make you literally nauseous. I know, I know some of you are like really? Pull up your big girl panties and think of how the stepkids feel. The problem with thinking this way is that you are dismissing your own feelings and actual physical reactions to events that are not do-or-die if you go or don’t. I have literally forced myself to events that made me nauseous. I survived, yes, but even after ten years, I still have these feelings that make my skin crawl because I was not emotionally ready and may never be. Take time to adjust yourself to the new situations that will inevitably surface for decades; don’t martyr yourself. Who are you trying to impress anyway? Dismissing your true feelings repeatedly over time is bad for you and will result in some ugly symptoms later on down the road. I suggest you say as nicely and civilly as you can that you will be unable to go because you are not comfortable with that yet. Lean down to the kids and/or up to your spouse, tell them you love them, and then go about your business. If you get a negative reaction from your family, then good, you are setting a boundary that will last the entire relationship that is not really harmful to them, even if they are a little disappointed. Everyone will realize that you mean no harm eventually. Stay the course and build those boundaries.
3. Say NO to “friending/following” your spouse’s ex on social media: This is a tough one, and I have gone in and out on whether I should or I shouldn’t. If you have just a smidge of jealousy or you sense it in your husband’s ex, stop right there! You are setting yourself up for some serious pain. Better yet, give yourself some credit. You can even prevent the ex from having to make that decision and get jealous of you. Out of sight, out of mind. I think social media may have been one of the number one catalysts/platforms for creating my self-made misery. There is just some stuff you do not need to see and you do not need to say. Just block them – problem solved.
4. Say NO to communicating via text/phone with your spouse’s ex: Ask yourself is it really your responsibility to call someone that can call your husband and get the same results? It may not be accomplished as quickly depending on certain situations, but how the heck did blended families survive before cellphones? We live in a world which is all about instant gratification, and that urge is so hard to fight, so don’t ever offer up your number in the first place. Looking back, it was a huge mistake for me to get in the middle of a communication chain that was already working. If you feel that your husband’s ex is calling too much, do you really think that if you picked up the phone, and told her to stop, that it would really help? Again, let your man be the parent!
5. Say NO to being a fixer: As a former soldier, my hero instinct was razor sharp! I flew into to save this broken family on my Black Hawk geared to the teeth in armor. Needless to say, I crashed and burned. I was over zealous. No matter what you throw at the fire, it will quench itself in due time. Sometimes you can throw things at it that make it worse. You are a support role only. Sit back, relax and watch patiently. Fight the good fight with simply being emotionally available to anyone who reaches out! Simple.

There is so much power in saying “NO!” Disengage in battles that are not yours to fight. Grow strong in yourself, put in the work, and realize you are not in control anyway! Good lucky, fellow stepmom! I salute you!