There is a lot of irony behind the phrase “childless stepmom.” Although you have not birthed a child and, thus, you are “childless,” yet you are required to be like a “mom” with all the stress and responsibility of one. It could not be more telling about the tedious dilemma so many stepmoms find themselves in after marrying a father. You are usually haggled for not knowing how to “mother” and not truly knowing what it “feels” like to be a mother. After some time in the role, you learn how to mother without natural loyalties, securities, and support that biological mothers receive, and though you grow strong feelings, somehow they are “less than” the evolutionarily-developed feelings of “momma bear.” Sigh. These unavoidable pressures placed unduly on stepmoms is a real problem in my eyes. This spoken and unspoken “pressure” for stepmom’s to stake their claim on motherhood by producing their “own” sparks a rebellion in me to not conform for several reasons.
I have thoughtfully, deliberately, and now ceremoniously decided not to have children of my “own.” My decision was not based on rebellion alone, but I do self-identify as somewhat of a feminist and activist. I am 100% fulfilled as “childless.” My stepchildren have contributed to my deep understanding of the meaning of motherhood and what it will look like decades after birth and unfortunately, when a marriage ends. I am 100% sure my husband is fulfilled and to add a child to the mix would be almost wrong for us; stretching the already strained time together with taking my attention away from my stepchildren to attend to a baby, seems unfair to them.
To me, it feels like an interference on something great we have already created together.
I equally do not want my child around some of the influences of the other home in which I cannot control. What if your husband’s ex-family is unaccepting of your kid? How are you going to feel when your kid feels like they don’t belong or is left out within their own “family?” Remember how that makes you feel sometimes as a stepmom, and you are an adult! The claim that kids are resilient and they will adapt and overcome is somehow unacceptable for me. If I can spare a future child from that level of pain, you bet I’m going to do that.
Apart from my fulfillment, this life altering decision to procreate comes at a high price to my future descendants. If I were to birth a child, he or she will know the pain of divorce regardless of my decisions; the ripple effect of divorce is astonishing to me. It’s hard to quantify, but the “death toll” is high. It effects generation after generation, and its effects will become normalized to my children; this fact breaks my heart because it is not “normal” regardless of the fact over 50% of Americans are blended. They will come to know that their father once loved another and that love ended. God is love and He is described as God “the Father,” and I do not want that very important relationship getting marred for my children. I know there are other ways to show His love and grace after divorce has happened, which is even more of a testimony to God’s amazing forgiveness, mercy, and His willingness to accept and heal us after sin. But I want my children to know marriage as an endless love. I want to set the example for them, and show them marriage is sacred and unbreakable. I understand this decision is not about my happiness and worldly understanding, but it is about the happiness and fulfillment of an entire line of people and my promise to God.
If my words make you feel guilty for your decision to divorce or have children as a stepmom, know that I mean no harm to anyone. Sin is sin and we are all sinners. If you are carrying the burden of “divorce sin” that is way too heavy, you desperately need to set that down. I want you to know that you can unload that on your heavenly Father and you are free from ever carrying it again, and it is free to get rid of it, without any heavy legal fee that we see in long, drawn out civil divorces that have created a billion dollar industry around human failure. For His yoke is easy and His burden is light. I personally “toted” the burden of a failed marriage for many years (I am still in my first marriage, but I took on the uneven “yoke” of my husband’s previous marriages somehow) and only recently discovered it on my shoulders. It was never mine to carry, but yet here I was carrying it. If I felt this way, I can’t imagine how my stepchildren avoided feeling responsible; the fact is I know they have felt some level of responsibility and again my heart breaks for them, and I wanted to protect them and take the burden off them, but I cannot do that without God’s help. So I finally handed it off to Christ before it killed me and worse, became the cause of yet my own divorce. Praise Jesus!
The decision to have kids is a deeply personal decision and many times, we Americans feel like it is all ours to make and everyone else can be damned (Americans have a hard time understanding collectivist ideas as we are so fiercely independent). No matter what we may think now, marriage is not just about you, your spouse, and your biological kids. It’s about the entire extended family and their descendants.
I also wanted to highlight the fact that society is putting a pressure on stepmom’s to conform, and to become “real” moms; additionally society puts a premium on “moms” and not stepmoms and thus they are attempting to shape your understanding of what fulfillment looks like in your life.
If we put more emphasis on stepmoms as hero’s, self-sacrificing or simply elevating them to the level of “mom,” more women who opt in, thrive more, and stay in marriages with preexisting children. Not to detract from motherhood, because it is awesome (inevitably when you speak of stepmotherhood, mothers misinterpret it as diminishing their role, which I am totally not trying to do), but it is not the end all and be all for women! We are so much more than just our ability to reproduce! Statistically, many millennial women are waiting longer and longer to give birth or opting out entirely from motherhood. For childless stepmoms, you are not really opting out; in fact you are opting in for an even harder task. I do urge you to take another look at your heart and to think through the dynamics of adding another child to your already blended family. There are extra considerations for you that are not present in a traditionally nuclear family. It may be no big deal for you to add a child; great! For others, jealousy among half siblings, too much stuff added to already strained time schedules, decreased desire to provide for your stepkids, etc rise up with a new child in the mix. Think long and hard about “Who is it benefiting, hurting, and why are you doing it?” before you get pregnant so you can be 100% sure this is good for your situation … over a lifetime!
