I have made a lot of tough decisions in my life, but one of the hardest decisions I have ever made was getting out of the Army after eight years on Active Duty.  When I first ever contemplated entering the military, I was in a dark time in my life; the Army was that beacon of hope for a better life for me, which I presume is for many others.  I’m not talking about the educational or health benefits, the opportunity to shoot amazing weapon systems, the chance to travel, or just get a great job; what attracted me the most was the opportunity for self-improvement and to serve the country.  This was my foundational goal and a little over a year before making my tough decision to leave the military, I was thankful I had a solid foundation of why I was there in the first place.

Luckily, the light clicked on for me at about year 7, when I was at a crossroads with whether to go back to college for two years on the Army’s dime and sign my life over for the next 12 years or just wait for the Army to assign me to some broadening position of their choosing which would delay any big career decisions for me. Well, I never thought about option number three; just leave all together. I didn’t think about it until I witness one of my closest fellow-female officers put in her letter of resignation.  This officer was cream of the crop, all top-block performance evaluations her entire career, the first of her kind in so many ways. She was moral, strong, and highly intelligent, but her heart was not in it anymore.  She was burnt out, and she felt she could no longer make a difference (even though clearly she was making a big difference for me). I was having the same feelings too though, but for a time, I prided myself on the mantra “I will never quit!” and I confess I even looked down on her at first. How could she leave the military as one of the first female officers to accomplish what she has? Is she giving up on all the women she was suppose to represent for selfish reasons?  How is she ever really going to make something of herself in the civilian world? How could she just leave? As I thought these things, I realize how brainwashed I had become, how hopelessly competitive and misguided I was; this scared me.

What scared me worse were some of the difficulties I had with making decisions to discipline Soldiers or to have mercy on them when they clearly messed up.   Routine Army politics were definitely at play in making these choices hard, but I often felt utterly alone in my decisions even though they were in line with bettering the Army. With great power, comes great responsibility, and anyone who has ever been in command of Soldiers knows it’s a heavy burden. I cannot imagine how hard it must be to lead Soldiers in combat or worse, to be responsible for their death. To say the least, I was at the end of my rope in how powerless I was even as a commander.  I felt like all my struggles had been in vain for far too long.  I truly was just another number on the manufacturing line. I was able, but I was not willing. I had hit my wall.

After one year into my command and many sleepless nights, I put in my letter of resignation.

There was no harm to the unit, there were no glorious trumpets sounding and there was no shame either; I just floated right out.

I’m still riding that cloud even now after 6 months out. My brain cannot fully process that it is over. I thought I was going to be a “lifer,” or stay 20 years, retire and live happily ever after (or just get killed somewhere in there maybe). It just wasn’t in the cards for me to stay another decade.

What I had come to realize was that I had lost track of why I was there in the first place. I was no longer improving myself; I was only breaking myself down at this point in my career and my heart just wasn’t in it anymore. I did not desire the positions that where to come in my career, heck, I never even really wanted to command! I just had no ability to visualize myself wearing the uniform past this point (even though at that point I couldn’t imagine wearing civilian clothes everyday either). My dream had ended in my head, so I just made that a physical reality. Not to mention I had grown so far apart from my family and I missed them. This job was consuming me.  I guess that is why it isn’t just a job, it’s service to country and everything is second to that.

I know I meant a lot to several Soldiers along the way and several leaders meant a lot to me; I’m so very honored by this fact that words cannot express how much these Soldiers and leaders mean to me. But sometimes you have to learn to “Take a knee” and for me, that was passing the Guidon, or my company flag, onto someone else, stripping that rank off my chest and just become Lesley again. I will always be there for my Soldiers, but just in a different way. I gave it my all and I’m so very proud of that fact!

~Lesley